If you REALLY loved me, you'd hold a boombox over your head!

I went to go see "The Time Traveler's Wife" the other day. I'm sure it's not a very good movie, but I can't really speak of it critically. You see, dear readers, despite my near-flawless taste in the arts, I do have one guilty pleasure that I rarely speak of. And no I'm not talking about my affinity for Italian zombie films or 80's slasher films or even Lifetime movies starring Tori Spelling. I feel no guilt where those are concerned. Those are just AWESOME.

I'm referring to my love for romantic weepies. Give me a film with lush cinematography, pretty people and circumstances that prevent the lovers from being happy together and I will sit transfixed, tears streaming down my face throughout its entirety. Perhaps it says something about my personal life that I'm a sucker for movies about doomed love affairs. I'd prefer not to delve too deeply into that.

However as much as I can't get enough of these tear-jerkers, there is another kind of romantic chick flick that I can hardly stomach. The romantic comedy. Now sure, of course I realize that there are exceptions to the rule. I love "When Harry Met Sally". "Annie Hall". "Love Actually". A well-written, well-acted romantic comedy can be a very joyous experience. Unfortunately, these are few and far between these days. Instead we get things like "Failure To Launch", "Fool's Gold" and "The Ugly Truth".

And the poor quality of these screenplays isn't the only thing that bothers me. I actually believe that these films can be psychologically damaging to people looking to be in functional relationships. And as luck would have it, there is a psychological study to back me up! Check it out: http://www.popmatters.com/pm/column/69953-rated-xoxo/

A friend of mine once remarked that porn has ruined sex for women. She asked me how she was ever supposed to be "enough" for her partner after all the explicit images he's been exposed to over the years in movies and on the internet. I'll admit I find that argument a bit ridiculous. I think most guys would agree that a living, breathing woman who you can actually touch and who can actually touch you is always better than watching a movie about other people having sex. However, I think there's something to be said for the fact that porn may perhaps get our partners to EXPECT more of us. Not that I expect the pizza boy to be ready to go whenever he makes a delivery to my apartment, mind you. And I don't think any of the guys I've been with expected me to have fake breasts and an orange tan. But there are certain sexual acts that...seem to be more readily expected in the age of Internet porn. I have heard stories about friends being subjected to some shockingly kinky things on the first date. I know girls who have been slapped in the face during sex before a safety word has even been established! Has porn taught men to expect a certain level of behavior? Is it up to us ladies to step our game up?

These are exactly the same questions that I have of the romantic comedy, allowing for gender reversal. It is my belief that rom-coms (and GOD do i hate that term) can make women have somewhat deluded ideas about what to expect from menfolk. And that these men, in turn, are unfairly made to feel that they can't live up to the fictional "perfect man" who is portrayed on screen. Chuck Klosterman has an essay in "Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" where he talks about how John Cusack ruined his relationships. He may be onto something. I know a lot of girls who are looking in vain for their Lloyd Dobbler. I mean, I've known some boys who really liked me but none of them ever stood outside my window with a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel. (Note to boys who like me: If you should ever want to try this tactic, you may have more luck with "Africa" by Toto.)

Of course, "Say Anything" happens to be one of the good ones. The latest version of the romantic comedy is filled with cliche upon cliche. Stop me if you've heard this one before. There's a beautiful woman who is super successful in her career but has "never given herself time for love". She meets a man who can get any woman he wants, but doesn't want to committ to any of them. This smart, successful woman is then reduced to several embarrassing situations which the audience cringes at, but which somehow makes her more endearing to her leading man. of course we find out that he's not REALLY a player but is just a misunderstood soul who was hurt very badly in the past and has been afraid to get close to anyone. And then the two of them make googly eyes for a while, until there's some kind of misunderstanding which drives them apart. In the end, their quirky sidekick "best friends" devise some master plan to get the lovebirds back in the same room together. Sparks fly, apologies abound and they live happily ever after. Sometimes, if we're really lucky, their respective best friends get together too! It's like a Shakespeare play, everyone pairs off and we're supposed to leave the theater feeling the warm-fuzzies. Or, you know, suicidal.

And it's not just the lighter fare that might be causing us to have unrealistic hopes. I actually know of someone who broke up with her boyfriend after seeing "The Notebook" because "her boyfriend would never do that for her." Do what for her exactly? Break up with her and then wait until she's happily engaged to someone else SEVEN YEARS LATER before telling her he still loves her? Don't even get me started on these Twilight fan girls who are all a-flutter over Edward Cullen. Maybe someday those girls will realize that jealousy is not love, it's a control tactic.

Admittedly, I'm playing devil's advocate here a little bit. I know what my friend was talking about with "The Notebook". She wanted her boyfriend to do "The Grand Gesture". Don't we all in some way? I've never wanted anyone to go so far as to build me a house, but there are a couple of men from my past that I certainly wish had fought for me a little harder.

But maybe I'll have to wait seven years until I'm engaged to someone else for them to express their undying love. ;)