I used to mock those people incessantly. I've always had an issue with people who tried to shove their "healthy lifestyle" down my throat. People who talked about detoxifying cleanses and gluten-free diets. Don't even get me started on vegans (yes, eating animals is bad....but NO ONE takes my cheese from me!) These people tended to make me feel like a garbage eater whose body might as well have had deadly poison flowing through my veins given all the toxins I was consuming. I don't like to feel guilty, and healthy people made me feel that way.
But no longer. I have drank the Kool-Aid ladies and gentlemen. Bikram yoga has helped me see the light. I now am one of those permanently perky wackadoos who talks about "rejuvenation" and "healthy circulation" and yes, "ridding my body of toxins". After my first Bikram class, I seriously felt as though I had shed an entire layer of skin. I was like a caterpillar, busting out of my cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly.
Err, well, at least that's how it seems to me now that I look back on it. At the time, I was feeling less like a beautiful butterfly and more like a Raisin. I felt that I, much like a grape left out in the sun, had shriveled up into a dry, wrinkled thing that bore little resemblance to my former self. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Bikram yoga, it is a specific style of yoga that is conducted in rooms that are heated somewhere between 105 and 110 degrees Fahrenheit.
I didn't tell anybody I was going to Bikram before my first time. I didn't want anybody to volunteer to go with me, so that I could have the freedom to back out at any time. I was both intrigued and petrified of the concept. I don't particularly like hot weather and I'm particularly sensitive to humidity. I become overheated often, and even waiting in the subway station can sometimes feel like being condemned to the tenth circle of hell. I also have a tendency to pass out pretty easily. I was fairly convinced that I was going to faint as soon as I walked into the heated room.
I didn't. What I did do was sign a release form. This is where the true panic set in. I'm the kind of person who can't read the "potential side effects" of medications because I will begin to feel ALL of them within a matter of seconds. I'm also forbidden to go on sites like WebMD to google my symptoms. All somebody has to do is mention that there is a possibility I could die, and I will be absolutely convinced of my impending death. This is exactly what happened.
Throughout the initial breathing exercise, I could feel my breathing becoming increasingly shallow and my heart rate quickening. I was panicking. The heat that had felt rather comforting and relaxing upon entering the room now felt extremely oppressive. I felt trapped as I knew students were discouraged from leaving the room. In fact, our only goal for the first class was "to stay in the room". After the first pose, I was so exhausted and anxious I was about to just give up. When we went into pose 2, I actually began to wonder which breath was going to be my last. I was unbelievably dizzy and my vision was getting rather spotty. I began to say under my breath in a kind of chat "oh my god i'm going to die".
This is something I do kind of often. On amusement park rides, On planes (much to the non-amusement of my fellow passengers). I've even been known to do it during sex on occasion. When things become too overwhelming for me, I tend to think that the end must be near. You don't have to tell me how bizarre this is. I'm aware.
The teacher came over to me at this point in the class, probably because I was at this point curled up with my head between my legs saying "i'm dying" over and over again. I'm sure I must have looked like an INSANE person. But she came over and asked me if I was okay, and if I needed to take a sip of water. A SIP? I had gulped half my bottle down after the first pose! She then said something really interesting. She said "Sometimes when we feel like we're going to die, it means we're really beginning to live."
In other words- don't be such a PUSSY, Holland. Just because something is scary and exciting and perhaps even a bit painful doesn't mean you're going to die. In fact, that crazy rush of dizzy energy is actually telling me "You're alive! Something new and interesting and DIFFERENT is happening to your body! Relax and let it happen!"
This has changed my life. I stayed in the room. I finished the class, having to back out of a couple of poses because I needed to rest. But I stayed. And the second class I waited at least five poses before voicing my fear of my impending death.
I still feel like I'm going to pass out much of the time. I still feel a little nauseous at times. My body isn't anywhere near as flexible as I'd like to be. After class I am so physically exhausted I don't have the energy to do anything except eat something and pass out.
But people tell me I look better. My skin's clearing up, my smile is wider. I supposedly have a "glow" that has led a few people to ask if I'm getting laid.
Nope. I'm doing Bikram Yoga. It gets me hot. ;)
So yes, I am an annoying healthy person. But I still can't bring myself to go gluten-free. A life without bread? Madness.
No comments:
Post a Comment