Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?

I saw a beautiful man on the subway today. I rarely use the word "beautiful" to describe members of the opposite sex- usually sticking to the more masculine adjective "handsome" or the gender-neutral "cute". But this guy was absolutely deserving of one of the prettier, typically feminine adjectives. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Stunning. And he had one arm.

No, I'm dead serious. He was missing his forearm and what was there was deeply scarred. He had a prosthetic with a hook for a hand. He was reading a book and I was fascinated by the way he turned the pages. I tried not to stare. I wasn't trying to be rude- I wasn't afraid or uncomfortable, I was fascinated. The train was crowded and he was standing right in front of me. When the person next to me got off at Lexington Avenue, I slid over so he could sit down. He looked right at me with a dazzling smile. "Thank you so much" he said in what sounded to me like a possible drawl. I stammered and reddened a bit. I wanted to play it cool but I got shy. I mumbled something about hating crowded trains without looking him in the eye. He went back to his book.

I'm desperatedly saddened to think he may have thought I got quiet and withdrawn due to his prosthetic. I'm sure he deals with a lot of people who would rather ignore him and pretend he's not there so that they're not being "rude" by looking at him and his differences. He really was a cute guy. I have a strong desire to do a "missed connection" for him, but I'll probably chicken out. "Missed connections" is one of those things that I find terribly romantic in theory, but is probably closer to the pathetic in reality. It's also usually based solely on physical attraction- once in awhile, you see one about two people who had a great conversation but didn't exchange info. But usually it's, "To the gorgeous blonde girl I saw when I was waiting to cross the street at 40th and Lex". Are these all people who catch one glimpse of someone and have to reach out to find them? Could that one look possibly have told you anything more meaningful than "yuuup, I'd hit that."

Does love at first sight exist? I want it to. That idea of spotting someone through a crowded room and knowing that you just have to have them is both insane and exhilirating. People tend to think that love at first sight is what we confuse lust at first sight for. After all, how can we love someone we basically know nothing about based on their attractiveness alone? But I think there's something to be said for feeling a connection and going with it, regardless of whether or not they may fit the idea of what you want in a person. It's why I don't do the online dating thing. I don't want to get my hopes up about someone who looks great on paper, but who I feel no passion towards in person. I need to know how someone's hand feels on the small of my back, how they smell, how their body lines up with mine when we hug. These are not things they tell you on someone's Match.com profile.

Of course, this inner hopeless romantic that I try to keep hidden is probably the reason I'm single. I expect far too much. I don't need to be in a relationship, or even seeing someone, or even getting laid. I can hold out for long periods of time just waiting for someone who is worth it. I only ever really miss having a boyfriend when I need to carry something heavy, open something difficult, or when it's a really cold night. I see so many people in relationships that everyone (including the people IN it) knows is going nowhere. I can't do that. I can't invest myself in something that I don't truly believe in. So do I believe in love at first sight? No. I view it the way I view Heaven. I don't believe it exists, but if it does, won't it be a nice surprise?
Maybe I will meet someone someday and just know instantly that they're "The One". Doesn't it all come down to pheromones anyway?


Or maybe I'm just cynical out of spite that I've never been anyone's missed connection.

So.....I have a job.

Like a real one. With salary and benefits and a 401 K. OH MY!

Yes, I'll be joining the 9-5 club, sitting behind a desk, being an administrative assistant doing administrative assistant-y things. Currently I'm concentrating on not getting the entire office sick as I have the world's worst cold. What the f*ck, immune system. I know I like to stay up really late watching movies and eating crappy food but does that mean you have to abandon me in my times of need? Would you hate me less if I ate a strict vegan diet and did yoga every day?

So yeah, thats my big news. I thought it blog-worthy. I have a grown-up job. I know some of you are probably thinking "It's about DAMN time!"

But I know there are some others among you that might be thinking...."But wait a minute, Chelsea. Aren't you like....creative and stuff? How will sitting behind a desk 24/7 allow you to pursue your dreams? DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMSSSSS!!!!"

Well, first of all, I won't be sitting at this desk 24/7. I only work 8 hours a day which leaves me another 16 hours to fit in sleeping, crappy television, and pursuit of dreams.

Honestly....I've never felt so creative as I do right this second. Well, not RIGHT this second. Right this second I'm fairly certain I'm high off a combination of cold meds. What I mean to say is....yes, I have an adult job that has nothing to do with what I studied in college, or what my creative goals are. However, knowing that I have this job has provided me with a sense of security. I feel..stable. And this stability allows me to put more hard work and time into my creative endeavors.

Par example (that's French, we can thank my fancy comp lit degree for that one!), I have been on a wicked screenwriting streak. I'm writing horror movies! I don't know if they're good or not. But I plan to make them. And star in them. And promote the H-E-Double hockey sticks out of them. Many of you know of my strong affection for the genre. I'm particularly interested in the role of women in horror. Specifically, I'm interested in there being more FEMALE horror directors and screenwriters. It's still a big boy's club, and I think that needs to stop. So...I'm-a gonna enter a little film festival that promotes this very cause. The deadline is December 31st so I gots to get cracking. I can't share my ideas here, because they're too good and I'm afraid they'll be stolen. I'm still convinced that "Underworld" was completely lifted from my cousin Ronnie and me. Seriously, we planned out that whole movie a couple of years before it came out. And ours wouldn't have sucked.

In other news, I saw Twelfth Night twice. Girlcrush on Anne Hathaway CONFIRMED. Overall, just a great production. And really, if there's anything better than good outdoor theatre on a beautiful summer evening- I haven't found it yet.

Okay, I'm off to write some more sick and disturbing short screenplays.