Don't Mess With The Chelsea.

Today I got what was possibly the rudest e-mail I've ever received. I'm not going to post the whole e-mail here, because frankly- they're not my words, and I feel strange about that. Even if the person who wrote it is undeserving of my sympathies. The person in question is someone I knew back in college. We were by NO means friends, nor were we enemies. We just liked to get together once in awhile to make out and fool around but we never actually had sex. This is important to the story.

While I feel strange about quoting his words, I will tell you that his e-mail chastised me as a person who thinks that I'm better than other people. He implied that I have an overblown ego, that I'm promiscuous, and that I will never have a boyfriend because I think I'm too good for anyone. And then of course, my favorite part where he criticized my body and told me that I was bad in bed. I must be PRETTY bad in bed for someone who hasn't even been to bed with me to pick up on it! I'm not quite sure what his motivation for this rather confused outburst was, but I think I can safely assume it has something to do with the fact that I didn't respond to his last couple of facebook messages asking me to hang out. Hell hath no fury like a penis rejected.
Here's my response:

Dear ______:

I'm sorry I didn't get back to your last couple of messages. I wasn't interested in hanging out with you, and perhaps I should have been mature enough to "man up" and tell you that. I assumed if I just ignored you, you'd get the hint. I didn't anticipate that you'd wait another several months and send me this glorifyingly warped character assassination.

My reasons for not wishing to hang out with you have nothing to do with the fact that I think I'm better than you. I don't think I'm better than you. Actually, that's a lie- I DO think I'm better than you now, but prior to this e-mail I harbored no such feelings. I'm surprised that you view me as a person with an inflated ego. Those who know me would tell you that I'm quite modest, and self deprecating and I actually have some self-esteem problems that I'm trying to work on. I have trouble accepting compliments, and I certainly don't fish for them. I know your memory of what transpired between us seems to be failing you in some regards, but surely you can remember that I tend to blush when showered with compliments. So no, the reason that I do not have a boyfriend is not because I think I'm better than most men. I am perhaps picky, but that has more to do with the fact that I don't like investing myself in anything or anyone that I'm not truly passionate about. I can only assume that you think of me as self-involved and stuck-up because I did not wish to have playtime with you under the covers.

Of course, I 'm not sure why you would even want to have that playtime. Because according to you, I'm not really all that attractive nor am I good in bed. Listen, physical attraction is completely subjective. There are plenty of people who don't find me attractive and vice versa. That's fine. But you were always very, very complimentary of my physical attributes. Perhaps that was all bullshit, which is fine too. But if I'm such a lagoon creature then why did you try to establish contact with me over a year after we'd seen each other last? Clearly I'd crossed your mind in some kind of positive way. Furthermore, why is there so much hate and seething anger in your nasty words? I think it's clearly obvious what's going on here. I guess you thought your comments about my body would take my ego down a few knotches. Let me tell you something. You can say whatever you like about my personality and my sexual skills. But don't mess with a girl's body image. Thankfully, your words bounce right off of me. I survived an eating disorder and have made peace with my body. Your opinion about my breasts means very little to me, as I have many men in my life who would disagree with you. But I guess you would just say that these "many men" are indicative of my apparent promiscuity. Get over yourself. I'm 25 and single and I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I'm not going to get into my "number" because it's none of your business, as you're not on that list. Suffice to say, that I'm very comfortable with the number of people I've had sex with and very thankful that you're not one of them.

Which brings me to my favorite part. I'm sorry you apparently had such a negative experience in the time you spent with me. However, is it really fair to say that I'm bad at sex when we never had it? I'm not going to defend my sexual skills as I know they need no defense. Any bad time had between us I'm going to chalk up to a bad sexual chemistry. We were perhaps just not compatible in that sense. If it makes you feel better to think of me as a sad single girl who will never find happiness because my standards are too high and who will never find satisfaction due to "frigidity" (that actually made me laugh out LOUD) then go right ahead. I'm not full of myself, but on a good hair day when my skin's looking clear, I think I'm a beautiful, sexy woman. Anyone who doesn't think so is just not for me.

Your e-mail was full of a lot of hate and anger. I hope you explore those issues. I harbor no resentment towards you and am not going to put you down to make myself feel better. I won't even make a snide joke about your size. Oh whoops. Sorry about that. Don't worry, I know it's all in "what you do with it". Perhaps if we'd actually gotten to that point outside of your fantasies, I'd know for myself. But frankly, I'd rather remain in the dark on that one.

Best wishes,
Chelsea

click and send! All I can say is that I apparently REALLY get under people's skin. I'm flattered in a weird way that someone would spend so much energy towards berating me.

I just hope he doesn't respond because I'm the type of person who always has to have the last word and I really don't want to waste anymore of my time on this. How do I find these winners, people?