Those of you who know me well (or really at all, for that matter) know that fall is my absolute favorite season. This has a lot to do with the fact that it's the season of my favorite holiday, Halloween. But there's also something about the crisp air, the changing leaves, the seasonal drinks at Starbucks, and bundling up in cozy layers that I find somewhat...romantic.
This weekend I got my fall clothes out, and was postively giddy as I unfolded my chunky sweaters. I've got an awesome coat, a cute hat, cable sweaters, argyle socks, and comfy boots. There is however one major accessory I'm lacking this fall- a cute boy to cuddle with.
Truth be told, I can't remember the last fall season where I didn't have someone I could call on a chilly autumn evening for movies, tea and spoonage. It's possibly been years. This year, as I find myself without prospects, crushes or even single guy friends who can indulge my snugglesluttiness, I am super lonely. This weather has me wanting love more tangible. Note to readers, listening to Bright Eyes in cold weather while you're depressed about being single does NOT make you feel better. In case you were considering it.
Can I possibly be so shallow that the main reason I want a boyfriend is because it's cold outside and I simply have a physical need for the warmth of another person's body? I'm finding myself hating every couple that I see these days- kissing on a near-empty subway car, stopping to take a picture in front of an obscurish NY landmark, or holding hands at a charming Park Slope coffee shop. These are the sort of things that usually make me go "aww" on the inside- despite the jaded exterior that I've worked so hard on. Heh. Hard on.
I don't seem to be the type of girl that men want a relationship with. This isn't self pity talking. I'm going on history here. Most of my "relationships" have been of a purely physical nature. Sometimes this was because the person I was sleeping with wasn't very interesting, so I never bothered to try and take it to an emotional level. Sometimes they were very interesting, but they had some sort of fatal flaw that made them undateable in my eyes. And sometimes, they were people that I loved very, very much. People who made me want to forget all my cynicism and just jump headfirst into something beautiful. And yet- inevitably, these people did not share my same desire.
You have no idea how many times I've heard the "I just can't be in a relationship right now because I'm not ready" speech. So many different men. So many different reasons for their broken state. I think it's time that I faced something that isn't easy to face without becoming a bit depressed and discouraged. It's not that these people just couldn't be in a relationship. It's that they just couldn't be in a relationship with ME. And I've done the whole "it's their loss, 'cuz I'm awesome!" thing. I can repeat that over and over again like a mantra, but when am I going to start actually believing it? How many times can you get the "It's not you, it's me" speech before you wake up and realize that it may just be you.
Last winter I fell very hard for someone despite my brain consistently trying to tell me that I should keep one foot on the ground. As usual, I ignored common sense, warnings, and signs that perhaps I should be a little more cautious. I allowed myself to get more and more swept away and I convinced myself that this was going to be a legitimate relationship "someday". But that day never came for us. I can remember the night that I realized it never would. This person had once called me, drunk from a party. It was back in the butterflies stage, where his 2am call wasn't annoying it was endearing. He slurrily confessed his feelings for me and said the following: "Do you think the day will come when we're at a bar surrounded by our friends and I give you a long kiss and then dip you because I'm just so proud to be with you?" It was probably said a lot more eloquently than that- I don't have the same way with words. But that was the jist of it. I longed for that day to come, possibly more than this person could have ever guessed.
About a month later, a mutual friend invited me out for drinks. I knew the object of my affection would be there, and I couldn't wait to see him despite having seen him two days before (yes, I was THAT girl.) I arrived at the bar. He didn't get up to greet me. He spent the next 20 minutes or so ignoring me. There aren't words to describe how crushed my heart felt. It was then that I knew. There was no showing me off, or kissing me in front of his friends or being "SO proud to be with me". I was to be kept behind closed doors. My heart was positively broken.
So I did what I do best. I got drunk and belligerent and sabotaged everything. My heart broke all over again when he told me he couldn't see me anymore, but I don't know why that is. Things weren't going anywhere anyway. I finally realize that.
As I've watched (from a distance) this person date other girls, I can't help but have noticed (through facebook stalking) that he seems to have no problem with treating these other girls the way that I longed to be treated. Like a girl that you like so much you can't wait to introduce her to your friends. It wasn't him. It was definitely me.
And today, as I'm trying to rebuild some type of friendship with this person, I wonder if I can truly be friends with somebody who I felt so emotionally rejected by. I've blamed myself countless times for the reason we were doomed as lovers. I've told myself it was the drinking, the yelling, the neediness, the drama. I've cursed myself for letting such a great guy get away from me. But then I think back on that night at the bar. Back when things were still good, and there hadn't been countless nights of drama. When I saw him disregard me. I regret many of my actions, but I think the ending would have stayed the same.
Which begs the question- what was wrong with me? Was I not pretty enough, not smart enough, not interesting enough, not mature enough? Why am I good enough to be intimate with but not good enough to introduce to your friends? Why am I always the "close friend" and never the "girlfriend"? Furthermore, why am I the friend you can sleep with but not date?
I hope to be back to normal soon, making witty observations, pop culture references and taking jabs at the people who piss me off. I'm just not myself these days. The other day I received a BEAUTIFUL message from somebody who expressed their huge crush on me. It was flattering beyond words, but I told the person that I am simply broken. Oh how the tables have turned. Maybe life really is a series of being broken by people who in turn were broken by those who came before you. And you in turn will continue the sort of negative "pay it forward" by breaking someone else in return.
I hate to be a cynic. Please, someone, someday- prove me wrong?
I hate to be a cynic. Please, someone, someday- prove me wrong?
6 comments:
Awww, very sad. I think you've entered this stage:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzA97oMW2_M
I only used the "it's not you it's me" line once, and it was actually true (shocking I know, given my track record) but it was a bad patch. They pass. Sometimes people wait through it, sometimes they don't. Yeah, Fall does create the "Why am I alone in this chilliness" feelings...though I also blame the plethora of holidays.
Boo to those couples on the subways!
Yay to pop-cultural references!
Cheer up a tad, Where The Wild Things Are opens this week!
Oh, Chels. I relate to so much of what you said. There have been so many guys who I fell deeply in love with, who I kept cuddling with (and sometimes sleeping with), who told me they weren't "ready for a relationship" or "didn't believe in commitment." Now those guys are all getting married to the girls they dated after they lost interest in me. I'm pretty sure this keeps happening because, even though these guys found me attractive enough to sleep with me, they considered me too ugly to commit to or publicly acknowledge. "Dogface" Complex.
But this is obviously not the case with you, since you are a gorgeous femme fatale with a rockin' body. I'm pretty sure dudes would *pay* you to pretend to be their girlfriends in public because having you on their arm would make them look like rockstars in the minds of friends and strangers. (Possible income source?) So, please don't drive yourself too crazy wondering why some guy won't commit. Like you wrote at the end of your post, that wheel just keeps turning. Timing is a bitch. But eventually, things will come together for you. And in the meantime, at least we have our Bitter Crocodiles to cuddle with. They may not be warm, but they are fuzzy.
I feel ya, girl...guys SUCK! But also, I'm a crazy, crazy girl, which is probably why I can't seem to get a guy...I think I scare them away. But my point is: hang in there, and know that you are not alone.
Dumb Luck. It seems like the biggest cop out one can come up with, but I believe that meeting that special someone comes down to nothing more than dumb luck.
There are six billion people in the world. (And I have to do this because I'm a scientist...)
The probability of any two people meeting each other is approximately .0000000000000000000027%.
On top of that you have to take in account that not only do you have to meet the person, all the stars
about your personalities have to align as well. And on top of that all the circumstances in eachothers lives
have to be just right. And so on and so forth...
Some people may find this to be a somewhat depressing view of the situation. Personally, I take solace in this fact.
The "It's not you, it's me" argument loses some of it's sting with this view. It's true that you may lose someone
because they can't be with you for whatever reason, but chances (see the numbers above) are, they weren't right for
you anyways and that there is someone better out there for you. This is not to say that one should just always assume
that when a relationship goes wrong, one should just assume that the numbers didn't work for me this time. I think
everyone should always have a dynamic personality, constantly changing and updating who you are and who you want to be.
But it does illustrate the fact that sometimes, when things go wrong, its not always you. People tend to gravitate towards
extremes, like "It's all their fault" or "It's all my fault." Rarely do you hear somoene talk about how they broke up and
"it was partly me and partly them" or "no one was at fault." Humans have an intrinsic need to attribute bad things in their
life to other people and good things to themselves (It's called attribution theory for anyone who's interested).
But in the end, whether it's you or not, meeting the right person comes down to dumb luck.
Sometimes (which can often seem like all the time) all the stars won't align.
On the other hand, you can just go with the assumption that those guys were just too stupid to see what was in front of them.
Either way, I hope you feel better.
=D
I dislike that most people who read my blog don't comment, so in the interest of not being hypocrite/stalker, I'm commenting!
I enjoyed reading your posts. Super relate. In fact I find it similar to mine which maybe you'll check out and enjoy! http://newyorkcliche.wordpress.com
I don't know if it helps or annoys you coming from someone in a relationship, but please know that before I met Matt, I felt the same way for what felt like forever...so please know that one day, you will meet someone who is proud to show you of and happy to snuggle.
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